It is the age of the unknown. For what we knew is no longer supporting us. Even for spiritual people, some ideas and concepts are too rigid to stay on Earth now that heaven on earth is thrusting upon us. Building protective measures, the mindset of separation will fall away. The more we ascend, the more we are grounding ourselves. The more truth you see, the more you see every single details of your physical life is indeed an immediate reflection of our thoughtforms and vibration.
It started like this. I HATE THIS SYSTEM. That was the only statement I had if I had to be real honest about my feelings. I just hate the system that we are in - the education, the finance, all of it, was suffocating and killing one's self-expression. There was no space to breathe. And they knew it. They deliberately created this system so we had to be conformed, so we had to forever feel not enough. Not good enough. Forever. The verdict. Boom.
I was told to walk in the labyrinth. And so I started walking in circles. I was bare feet, my sole against layers of fallen leaves resting on the earth. It crunched on my every step. At first I was scared of getting my feet dirty, but it's not long when I realized that these leaves and bits and pieces of the dead parts of the forest are gently cushioning my feet.
'Everything serves a purpose, even if you don't see it.'
There are times when enough is enough.
There are times when you know you're the most precious thing in your life.
There are times when you know your life is all about you and no one else.
There are times when you just don't fucking care what people think, and if they don't like anything you say they can just fuck off because you're so done with pleasing, playing small and cornering yourself with fucking insecurity.
Self-love is a journey. And I have only truly learned about it til now. I was too caught in the sweet trap of self-love - the lifestyle I deserve, the relationships and connection that I deserve, the 'correct' way of loving myself.
I forgot that there is no correct way to loving myself. I forced myself to do things that are not in sync with my heart, yet appeared to self-love-righteous. When I ignored my heart's calling, I thought I was loving myself. Almost like belting a child that doesn't behave the way I want her to be, I forced myself and my heart into something I am not.
The fact is, I don't know how to love myself. I am still learning to love myself. I thought I was already loving myself. And the only way I am going to find out is by making these mistakes, keep trying out different ways to self-love.
And then today it hit me that the only way I can love myself is to listen to my heart. My Inner Voice. There is no correct lifestyle to show that I love myself, nor does self-love come when I am in 'correct' relationships. The only way to love myself is to listen to that insane radical voices in my heart, and attend to it.
I have been too scared to know what the voice is telling me, it was too scary to know that I can be something I don't know of. I knew the answer was in that voice. But I struggled hard to cover my ears. The most frustrating thing is that you can't run away form yourself, from your heart. And thank God for that. Thank God my heart is me, thank God I can never abandon me.
In the fanatics of achieving self-love, I forgot that love is the absence of judgment. I kept pushing parts of me away because they aren't of love. But what part of me isn't of love?
I am fragile at times, I am inexplicable at times, even to myself. We all need a little softness to let love in, that softness expands and embraces all that we are ready to see. In that softness of love, we embrace ourselves deeply, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, everything. It is softness that penetrates our hearts, and it is softness that connects.
When I built hardness around myself in the name of love, I repelled love. Only softness can penetrate that hardness and that softness comes from the courage to know the parts of me that are unknown to me. We have to have the courage to penetrate our hearts with softness to arrive at the beginning of radical self-love.
And with that kind of love, it doesn't matter anymore if i appear to love myself or not.