'So, let's pick up from where you left it last night.'
It was almost as if I volunteered for my own execution. I could feel the numbed fear in my body. I prolonged my morning routine, even leaving the last task hanging, just one more excuse to prevent me from walking into my death. My body knows.
'Why, because you have decided to heed my call. Do you want it or not?'
I sighed, quickly killing the final excuse for my journey, gazed into the black obsidian sphere and stepped into another realm. I only hoped it would be done quickly.
'Ok, now pick up from there, it's torn open last time, so it shouldn't be too hard to find that opening and let it out.'
I went back to that scene, where I saw life slowly slipping away from his body. It was too much for it, I couldn't bear it. I tried to pretend I was fine but the dam couldn't hold any longer. God knows I didn't cry because of the person. I cried simply because I couldn't bear the scene of life slipping away. No one should die, no one should change, everything should stay the same.
My brain was washed with agony, as if someone was pulling the opening on my heart, pulling it and playing with it, someone playing with my pain, in the most evil way.
And I suddenly came to another moment. When she abandoned me. Yes, that was the moment when I stopped trusting love. Nothing can help me survive in this cold, cruel world, only if you obey every word; only when you squeeze your soul into this small body, til it suffocates you. When you don't breath, you won't know what's going on. Let the life in me be frozen. Let everything stay this way. Because it is too dangerous out there. Let nothing in, so nothing goes. Let me stay in the cocoon, because nothing could ever be trusted. Not even love, because love is weird, love is feeble, love doesn't last.
Then I went back to the hospital. Then the telephone rang. Death beckoned. It was okay, I locked my heart up, nothing could pull it apart, pull it open. I couldn't look at the lifeless body, it was too much. If I didn't look death in the eyes, it would go away, nothing happened. See? Nothing changed. No. Nothing.
I gasped and realized I was breathing uncontrollably in my physical body. Naturally I was pulled back, too much, too much then, too much now. Locking, numbing, cutting off, my instincts. My soul was bounced out of my body, it didn't want to go back. But if I allowed this to happen again, then I wouldn't even need to do this journey.
Hekate stayed silent.
I asked my soul to go back to my body, it obeyed, with a hint of reluctance. I was gasping even more, there were countless pebbles trying to push through my body, almost like attacking me from within. At the same time someone pulled the threads connecting to the opening of my heart, still playing with it with an evil smirk.
Why? Why all the pain? What is the reason for all of this? I was pulled apart and still, I didn't get it.
'Be the pain.'
And I went inside the pain. It wasn't chaotic. It was flowing, like black gel with subtle silver glitter, silent, and flowing. Why? Shouldn't it be more... unpleasant and chaotic?
'What is pain? Tell me.'
Then I closed my eyes and merged with it. It was an expression. As simple as that. It was there because there was pain to be expressed. There was no right or wrong, good or bad in this pain. It was an expression.
'Yes. An expression. What is an expression?'
Expression is an extension of our uniqueness.
'And what is uniqueness? Do you remember?'
Uniqueness is... beauty. We are beautiful because we are unique. Every expression is unique.
'So tell me, what makes the pain different from gratitude, in terms of expression? Can you say one is less than the other?'
I was speechless. Pain didn't exist because it was bad. Pain was there because it simply needed to be expressed. We labelled them. Good and bad, right and wrong.
'So what happens when you deny your pain?'
I couldn't receive and give the fullness of me, the full beauty of my being. Because beauty, gratitude, pain, sadness, they are all one. They are all expressions. I cannot have this expression and not have another one. You allow them all, or you numb them all.
'Do you remember that moment? When someone was in deep pain and you thought it was beautiful? Why do you think you felt it was beautiful?'
I went back to that moment. Yes, I felt the beauty deeply, having no idea why I thought it was beautiful, witnessing one's painful expression.
'Because you witnessed life flowing. Life is always beautiful, when you see love, pain, fear, joy flowing, the graceful flow is the beauty of all essence of life. Let it flow. Let it.'
Feeling the flow deeply, I bowed and honoured my expression.
But, I don't feel my truth, I don't have my anchor.
'Where is your truth? Find it'
I scanned my body quickly,
where is my truth? Where is my truth? Where is my truth? Where is my truth?
There I found it. Looked like it hasn't been nurtured for a lifetime, it was laying there, small and weak. But I am different now, I discovered my bigness - I was big enough to allow the beauty and the horror of life flow in and out of me. With that thought, my truth quickly expanded into the white-blue light shaft, supporting my spine, anchoring me deeply into Mother Earth and reaching highly into the cosmos.
'Heart is the portal to truth. Your truth.'
I breathed this into my soul and my body.
'That's it for now. Rest and we will continue tomorrow.'