At 11:11, I started burning frankincense. I waited until the sweet fragrance of frankincense spread to every corner and started positioning myself.
'So I see less resistance today.'
I smiled uneasily, it was still not something I could do at ease.
'You know where we're going today?'
I nodded, then my body shivered. What would become of this? I had revisited the moment hundreds of times and still, I couldn't figure anything out, the pain seemed endless in there.
I breathed deeply into my abdomen and gazed into the black obsidian sphere.
I heard the waves, I was on the beach. Ah, this was a moment of wondrous, why am I here?
This was when hearts truly connect, without any condition. I was breathing in the saltiness of the ocean, the stars, the sand, the murmur. It was a truly heartfelt conversation, sole authenticity, for the sake of expression. Hearts connected, stars witnessed. It was when I thought I was laying between the stars.
'Do you know why you can connect at this level?'
Then I looked at our silhouette, there were stars burning bright in our chests, of the same origin, of the same brightness.
'The stars in your bosom recognised each other.'
Then it came to the scenes, all the scenes of argument, distrust, abuse came jammed together. What happened to the stars? What happened to the eternal moment? Then I looked at our energies, realising we were burdened with the same wound. We grew too important for each other, too dependent, we were afraid to let each other go, so we stayed together - with all the distrust, abuse, fear and argument, we entwined. We didn't plan on letting each other in, but now we're in each other, we didn't let each other leave.
We were strangling each other to death.
And then I decided to break free. She couldn't accept this. She pushed me away with fury and I was too scared to be close to that chaos again.
What happened to her star?
'When darkness accumulated around her, the star was overshadowed. You were the one who reminded her of her star, you reminded her of the light, so she grabbed even harder.'
My tears dripped onto my palms, where the shamanic quartz was. Waves of guilt and shame came, I was scared. Push it down. Push it down.
'Remember what I said yesterday? It is ok to mourn.'
Then I let go.
I hadn't been able to see the pain. We had the same wounds, the same stars, she was me, and I had failed to see this. I had distanced from her, too scared of the darkness.
'Love her your way.'
What would I do if I love her my way? I pictured telling her my truth, I pictured us playing with our stars, I pictured the connection reviving. Who was I, and how could I blame her for this? She was just in too much pain, suppressing and containing all the pain, like I was.
'Remember the star in her, love her you way.'
Then I heard keys clinking. Time for the next doorway. Hekate's key was in the keyhole.
'It is open, just push through when you are ready.'
I pushed through with my eyes closed. I took myself to the scene, the one I had come back to for a hundred times., witnessing this happening again, but this time I was standing afar. Then I saw it, what I have been blaming and furious about, was exactly what I have done to her. What he had done to me, I did it to her. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
But this was not for me to feel shameful and guilty. It was helping me to see. I recalled when I did this, I was having too much on my plate and I couldn’t put others’ needs before mine, like I had always done. I was learning to put mine first then. It wasn’t a betrayal, I was just too busy keeping things together.
'No one is wrong in here, not you, not him, not her. No one. It simply was.'
I wiped my tears. But something felt missing, this moment doesn’t seem like the end. Why? This was not where the doorway intended to lead me to.
'This was where you led yourself to. You thought it was all in this moment.'
So where should I go now? I kept searching in my mind, then I went forward in time.
'This experience is just repeating that scene.'
'Ask your heart.'
I felt my heart speaking to me in a soft voice, asking, 'Do you want to meet your masculine?'
Yes. Yes I do. Of course I do!
Hekate opened another doorway.
It was pitch black in there, a fire was burning. There was only the fire in this space, the edge of the fire merged with the darkness, like they were one. The fire had a dark-red vibe, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Silent and noble.
'Since when have you existed?' I asked.
'Since eternity.' The fire said.
I looked into the fire, my core was deeply touched. Then suddenly, there was a magnetic force between us. The fire moved one step forward, I moved one step forward, and I was in the fire.
It felt like silk running all over my body, it was so comfortable in the fire, almost like breeze brushing all over my body, it was gentle and light.
'How do you feel?' Hekate smiled.
'More than complete. I can contain everything in me, in my body. I can feel the bigness in me. I can truly believe that There is no limit in what I can take.'
The fire started tattooing itself on my skin, it looked like symbol, but quickly disappeared. When it was done, I walked out of the fire and realized I had diamond skin.
'This is the mark of fire on you. You are now one with the fire.' Then Hekate handed me a set of keys. 'Now I will give you your keys, these you will use in your journey onwards.'
'But aren't they your keys?'
'I have hundreds of sets of keys, I keep them until it is ripe for people to come collect them. These are your keys.' Hekate chuckled.
Hekate then gave me a blue velvet cloak, 'Journey on, open doorways for other people, like I did for you Somewhere on your journey we will meet again Go through this doorway and I bid you farewell.'
With the blue robe, I went through the doorway naked.