Shadowwork

Softness, on the quest of self-love

Self-love is a journey. And I have only truly learned about it til now. I was too caught in the sweet trap of self-love - the lifestyle I deserve, the relationships and connection that I deserve, the 'correct' way of loving myself.

I forgot that there is no correct way to loving myself. I forced myself to do things that are not in sync with my heart, yet appeared to self-love-righteous. When I ignored my heart's calling, I thought I was loving myself. Almost like belting a child that doesn't behave the way I want her to be, I forced myself and my heart into something I am not.

The fact is, I don't know how to love myself. I am still learning to love myself. I thought I was already loving myself. And the only way I am going to find out is by making these mistakes, keep trying out different ways to self-love.

And then today it hit me that the only way I can love myself is to listen to my heart. My Inner Voice. There is no correct lifestyle to show that I love myself, nor does self-love come when I am in 'correct' relationships. The only way to love myself is to listen to that insane radical voices in my heart, and attend to it.

I have been too scared to know what the voice is telling me, it was too scary to know that I can be something I don't know of. I knew the answer was in that voice. But I struggled hard to cover my ears. The most frustrating thing is that you can't run away form yourself, from your heart. And thank God for that. Thank God my heart is me, thank God I can never abandon me. 

In the fanatics of achieving self-love, I forgot that love is the absence of judgment. I kept pushing parts of me away because they aren't of love. But what part of me isn't of love? 

I am fragile at times, I am inexplicable at times, even to myself. We all need a little softness to let love in, that softness expands and embraces all that we are ready to see. In that softness of love, we embrace ourselves deeply, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, everything. It is softness that penetrates our hearts, and it is softness that connects. 

When I built hardness around myself in the name of love, I repelled love. Only softness can penetrate that hardness and that softness comes from the courage to know the parts of me that are unknown to me. We have to have the courage to penetrate our hearts with softness to arrive at the beginning of radical self-love.

And with that kind of love, it doesn't matter anymore if i appear to love myself or not. 

Learning, knowing.

I am learning to trust my knowing. 

Deeply wounded in seeing and speaking the truth, I find much agony in showing up in life. But I have a knowing, I always have a knowing. About who I am, what I will do, what I actually will be doing here on Earth.

I just need to learn to trust my voice.

On the brink of facing my fear and wounds, I could hardly believe vulnerability is power. How can one be powerful when they are completely dismantled? And after I have looked into my fear, looked into my stories, I stand in a place of complete peace.

Then it struck me, vulnerability is power, truly. When one has faced one's greatest fear and see how the nastiest stories we have been telling ourselves are delusional, what else can we be scared of? What else can't we accept?

This is not the end. This is just the beginning. I don't know what will come, I don't have to know. I have tasted the sweetness of speaking my truth with authenticity, with all my wounds and fear. I am okay with all of these. I am okay with healing to the end of my being, because there is never enough to see. There is never an end to my love. 

I stand in the place of peace, because I hold everything in me, I see them, I see me. And the desire to see myself moved me deeply. This is radical self-love. Just the desire to see myself, to understand myself. Through ruthless attempts I am feeling so loved. I don't avoid using words or displaying an image so I will appear more enlightened. The truth is, I am enlightened to the extent my soul asks for, in every moment. 

No more blaming, but I admire my blaming and anger, because they have hold things back until I am ready to see them. Oh how they love me. How every particle of me sit in peace, because I am no longer anxious about not seeing myself. I am constantly seeing myself and I will never done seeing myself. 

Just the intention alone, is the big bang of love.