Learning, knowing.

I am learning to trust my knowing. 

Deeply wounded in seeing and speaking the truth, I find much agony in showing up in life. But I have a knowing, I always have a knowing. About who I am, what I will do, what I actually will be doing here on Earth.

I just need to learn to trust my voice.

On the brink of facing my fear and wounds, I could hardly believe vulnerability is power. How can one be powerful when they are completely dismantled? And after I have looked into my fear, looked into my stories, I stand in a place of complete peace.

Then it struck me, vulnerability is power, truly. When one has faced one's greatest fear and see how the nastiest stories we have been telling ourselves are delusional, what else can we be scared of? What else can't we accept?

This is not the end. This is just the beginning. I don't know what will come, I don't have to know. I have tasted the sweetness of speaking my truth with authenticity, with all my wounds and fear. I am okay with all of these. I am okay with healing to the end of my being, because there is never enough to see. There is never an end to my love. 

I stand in the place of peace, because I hold everything in me, I see them, I see me. And the desire to see myself moved me deeply. This is radical self-love. Just the desire to see myself, to understand myself. Through ruthless attempts I am feeling so loved. I don't avoid using words or displaying an image so I will appear more enlightened. The truth is, I am enlightened to the extent my soul asks for, in every moment. 

No more blaming, but I admire my blaming and anger, because they have hold things back until I am ready to see them. Oh how they love me. How every particle of me sit in peace, because I am no longer anxious about not seeing myself. I am constantly seeing myself and I will never done seeing myself. 

Just the intention alone, is the big bang of love.

Journeying with Hekate Part 2

Journeying with Hekate Part 2

At 11:11, I started burning frankincense. I waited until the sweet fragrance of frankincense spread to every corner and started positioning myself.

'So I see less resistance today.'

I smiled uneasily, but it was still not something I could do at ease.

'You know where we're going today?'

I nodded, then my body shivered. What would become of this? I had revisited the moment hundreds of times and still, I couldn't figure anything out, the pain seemed endless in there.

I breathed deeply into my abdomen and gazed into the black obsidian sphere.

Journeying with Hekate Part 1

Journeying with Hekate Part 1

'So, let's pick up from where you left it last night.'

It was almost as if I volunteered for my own execution. I could feel the numbed fear in my body. I prolonged my morning routine, even leaving the last task hanging, just one more excuse to prevent me from walking into my death. My body knows.

'Why, because you have decided to heed my call. Do you want it or not?'

I sighed, quickly killing the final excuse for my journey, gazed into the black obsidian sphere and stepped into another realm. I only hoped it would be done quickly.

Priestess Soul Retrival - Avita

Priestess Soul Retrival - Avita

I closed my eyes and started seeing a lot of women's sad and devastated faces, I knew they were all me, and I asked for one specific soul to retrieve, and then suddenly I was located at the top of something like a very deep well. There was a woman down there, and there was a pole in the middle of this well, connecting to the entrance on top, there was nothing at the top of the well, no cage or barrier, so it seemed easy enough to escape. The woman was wearing a shabby white robe and had her hair covering her face. She sat there, silent, lifeless, motionless.

Samhain & Beltane: the gift of feminine on Halloween

Samhain & Beltane: the gift of feminine on Halloween

It's Samhain in Northern hemisphere and Beltane in Southern hemisphere, that left me thinking about the relations between the two. If you think about it, they are not much of a difference. Samhain marks the end of the summer, Beltane the beginning of summer. Funny isn't it? It comes full circle when you take a global perspective. 

Dark Goddess coming out to play

Dark Goddess coming out to play

as i delve deeper into myself, seeing all the different facets, i suddenly find myself in a place where i crave deep connection. And deep isn't sufficient to describe the level of connection i'm craving for. It almost feels like the feminine in me is a devourer, ready for anyone to challenge me for a bottomless connection. 

A creative being

A creative being

Growing up with an extremely artistic sibling I have always denied the creative part of me due to constant comparison (by myself). In where I was born (Hong Kong), people think creative persons are rare, you have to be extraordinary to be called 'creative' or 'artistic'. Seeing the high standard of being allowed to be called 'creative' I hid and doubted my own creative force. Surely you can only become an artist if you are really good at it, few are creative and among the creative ones not all can become artists. I used to think if you are a creative person then you ought to get a job where your talents are utilised.